Ireland’s political world was reeling last night as the results of the election of 2014 were totted up. Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld has won 43 seats, one in each constituency, in the Dáil elections, standing as an independent.
Voters that spoke to the press about their votes gave the following responses…
“Obviously, I don’t endorse all of his policies, actually, I’m not really familiar with them at all, but I’ll tell you that he has done great things for the area. And he has been round here every week for the last 2 years without fail seeing if there are litle things we wanted doing. That neighbour’s dog had us up half the night until he took care of it, though I’d not want the neighbours to know that. So don’t use my name. Or I’ll have the devil after ya! Only joking.”
“He has a lovely pleasant speaking voice, and you can tell he is so well educated, and his manners are just marvellous. They’re from another time! and sure doesn’t he know everyone who was ever anyone! And such style, he has such lovely fabrics!”
“Those people up in Dublin know nothing about problems round here and sure tis well know htat the devil was living over back the way from Connors cross for centuries now, so he’s a local man or whatever it is he is. Well, he’s local anyway”
It is felt his full employment plans while widely derided by his political opponents appear to have found considerable purchase with the public, who believe the devil will indeed find work for idle hands.
His position on abortion and the death penalty have also found much favour. He is also known for his keen interested in the arts with his fiddle playing leading marches up and down towns and villages during the campaign. It is believe he has found support amongst the arts community. He is expected to champion weekend recreation for young people which will prove to be popular as we can be assured he has all the best choons. He is not with controversy as he has dabbled in the past with a minority of business deals that have attracted undue public interest – involving a Mr D. Webster of New England and Prof Faust of Germany.
He has also promised a much more consistent and warmer climate for Ireland. Asserting that he has many manifestations, Lord of the Flies, Beelzebub and can be in two place at once, The Prince of Darkness is expected to take his seats when the Dáil resumes sitting again in two weeks time.
The various other parties in the Oireachtas have been non-committal and evasive about how they will deal or not with Mr Lucifer in the chamber. Sinn Fein were quoted as saying that their dealings in the north had taught them that any supping that one does with the devil should involve very, very long spoons indeed.